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I recently shared an article about a little boy who was bullied so badly that after twenty-six surgeries, he decided to take his own life. It hit me so hard.
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I read it with tears rolling down my face, my heart hurting for his loved ones and my soul hurting for the things he must have felt. I read it after spending a long weekend in the hospital and after undergoing three of four surgeries in just two months.
I read it knowing the hurt of bullying and the feeling of people looking at me with any variant of disgust when seeing or talking about my ostomy bag.
I read it after writing and sharing what was basically a diary entry of overwhelming emotions. It is by no means comparable, but it made me think a lot about the strong support system around me. I know that my mindset is shaped so greatly by those handpicked few who always have my back and in the midst of this article, fresh in my own rehashed wounds, my gratitude for life and the way it all works out has increased.
Support is everything. The embarrassment and disrespect was the exact reason why I decided to mention my stoma the very first time I met my boyfriend.
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I had since decided that anyone who was less than understanding would be an immediate no. I was afraid of dating with an ostomy, but I was no longer willing to feel like a burden or anything less than sexy. I would be okay being single and building myself back up on my own.
And then practically out of nowhere, I was on a date. I was nervous in spite of it going so well, or maybe because it was. I spent many moments of conversation wondering if they were the right moments to bring up the surgery.
I speak so freely of my bag to everyone. I answer questions from coworkers, friends, family, and strangers without thinking twice.
This is my bag; it saved my life! It is worth talking about.
But how do I casually bring this up without awkwardly ending a date? No more on the fence with anything. All I know is he stared at me.
This moment of oh shit in my mind as he was staring at me, half laughing, shocked to be put on the spot. So I just went for it.
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I explained the scenario in a nutshell. And in all honesty, my reaction to that response could have been a variable one depending on many factors.
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But really, how better to respond? Rather, I want someone who will make me laugh, who will be understanding and upbeat, and who will continue on with the conversation afterward as if it is no big deal.
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Sure, there were questions to be asked, but not a single one of them seemed to really matter. And there it was, in black and white and bar lights: this glimmer of hope.
A few short months later, I was back in hospital gowns and waiting rooms. And not once did he flinch. Not when I delivered awful news, not while he sat next to me in pre-op, not when my bag leaked in the middle of the night or I got frustrated and had tears running down my face.
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I have spent more than half of my life with this disease, and surgery went so well that I thought the rest of my life would be smooth sailing.
I was finally meeting people who had never known me as sick.
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It sounds so irrelevant, but it is a huge deal. Intended simply as a way for their friend to put a face to the person they had obviously spoken of. The person undergoing IV therapy, taking twenty-some pills a day, piling up medical debt, and seeing the best physicians while still unable to leave the house most days.
It cut through me and it scarred deep. Restroom facilities are provided for your convenience.
Ledger's Pool and Waterside Park. Brandermill was created for the nature lover.
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Enjoy watching the ducks, geese and turtles swimming along the shoreline; listen to the spring peepers and a myriad of singing birds. Observe the early morning activities of a blue heron or osprey, or an exciting fishing excursion in the reservoir of visiting bald eagles. Take a stroll along the 15 miles of paved trails connecting the community neighborhoods, and enjoy all the seasons of Brandermill. A map of the trail system is available from the BCA.